Put yourself in another's shoes...

Recently I have not shared any local news and so I thought I would touch briefly on one of the recent topics trending in Barbados.

All of us have heard by now of the case of the father who forgot his baby in the backseat of the car and due to suffocation in the heat of the vehicle the child subsequently died.

Now, I will admit, when the story was first told to me (in the salon, no less) I was highly appalled and agitated. My first thought was what kind of negligent parent forgets their baby in the back seat of their car, when we have heard one too many stories of deaths in hot vehicles in cases where parents rushed out to collect some item of shopping thinking it was safe to leave their baby for a brief minute?

When the full story came to light, I allowed myself to properly absorb it, but at fist it was still it bit hard for me to digest. That was the point where I had to put myself in the shoes of this man.
When it comes to being forgetful, I am the queen of the kingdom. I have left on many minor appliances, forgotten the keys to my workplace on various occasion and such other things that could be overlooked or considered trivial in the comparison to the life of a child being at risk. But here is where you have to allow ourselves to see how something small can turn into something big.

What I had to do was to imagine having the number of kids and responsibilities of this man, as well as falling into his daily routine. Some of us with or without children who are creatures of habit, understand how working by routine keeps life as we know it from falling apart. Something as simple as drinking coffee every morning is a habitual act that if not done can throw off an entire day for some people.
So, with that in mind it becomes easy to see how a man that drives his children in a specific pattern everyday would be able to falter when the pattern was changed.

How many times have you changed your routine to accommodate something or someone else? A friend may have called to say there is a detour on your usual route, but even though you have planned in your head to turn right instead of left at the junction to accommodate the detour, you end up turning left anyway because the human brain and body often falls victim to habit.
Such was the case with this father, who may have prepared himself to adjust his schedule that morning, but as a creature of nature, his brain and body followed his regular routine.

It was then I truly understood the heartache that weighed on this man and the guilt that he would forever live with. I wonder if the mother of this child could forgive him for what can be deemed as an innocent mistake, yet one that has undoubtedly torn their lives.

For the few who still are unable to show sympathy to the plight of this man, consider this. You left home for work one morning and forgot your iron on, a simple mistake, until you come home and find your house burned to the ground. Then you find out some family member returned home from work ill during the day and was asleep in bed when the plug sparked and caught the drapes and the house went up in flames.
An innocent mistake - a moment of forgetfulness turned into tragedy.

Before you judge, take the age old advice of walking in another's shoes. Sometimes it is good to asses a situation from a perspective rather than your own.
My heart goes out to that family.

Bisous. xoxo

Touchy Topic - High or low?

Topic as sent in - How do you cope with a partner whose sex drive doesn't match yours?

Let me dive right in today, no pun intended, and give you these two words...
 COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISE.

When sex drives are out of sync one partner will always be frustrated or unhappy

It's amazing to me that in an era where sex is portrayed on a regular basis in some form or fashion all around us, be it music videos, billboards, commercials, posters and whatever else, that people are still apprehensive when it comes to talking about it with their partners.
If you find yourself such a situation talking is the first step to dealing with it.



Now, by not matching it is obvious one drive is high and one is low, therefore there will be frustration on both parts. One person will be under pressure to give and give and the other will be frustrated by the lack of receiving.
The human body works differently for everyone. The first thing to determine is weather or not the low or high drive is irregular. By this I mean the person with the high drive may have a sex addiction, which is now an actual diagnosed illness treatable with medication. The person with the low sex drive can have a loss of libido due to illness, medication, stress, eating habits and a wide spectrum of other such things.

Your partner is not a mind reader
They cannot always determine what you want or do not want
TALK to them.

If neither of these things are the case and the two drives just do not balance out, the next step is the compromising. If you are in a well balanced healthy relationship, (meaning if you and your partner are harmoniously in sync about everything else not sex related) and you do not wish to loose the other great factors of it, then both of you will have to mutually decide how what is done and when. Who gets the quickie sometimes and who gets the all day marathon on Sundays and how to switch it up.
And I do stress both and mutually for the fact that one person may very well be willing to adjust their lifestyle to suit the other, but one of the drawbacks to solo decisions in a two person relationship, is the possibility of resentment brewing in time to come.
There have been individuals who have changed their lifestyle to accommodate the needs of their partner and have done very well, but it takes time as well as patience on the part of the partner as well.


There are different strokes for different folks, again, no pun intended. In relationships there are such things as deal breakers. You will have to determine just how important and influential sex in the relationship is to you and make any decision based on that.
If you can't make it work, make it walk. No point wasting time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Find someone who is better in sync with you.

Touchy Topic - Expecting Chivalry.

Touchy Topic as sent in - As an independent woman do you expect chivalry from a man? Does being an independent woman mean chivalry from a man shouldn't expected or wanted?

INDEPENDENT - free from influence guidance or foreign/outside control (thinking or acting for ones self) - self governing - self sufficient - not relying on others...

Hmm... makes it kind of difficult to asses right?
In my opinion being independent does not mean you do not expect or accept things from men.  You can take a man's gift, money, kindness or help, with out being ANY LESS self sufficient than you were the day before. But the fact is to not be dependent on these acts of kindness or goodwill.



It seems that these days independence goes right next to being single, lonely and bitter. Women have focused so much on doing it all alone, we have boxed ourselves into a corner where we act like any interaction with men will cause us to fall sick and die.

Men and women were both created to co-exist. You can be in a relationship or date and still be independent. I think independence and compromise have to find even ground. Trying to be the larger than life Bionic women that we feel we were destined to be are giving more men  the excuse of  being lazy and negligent.

First of all, I strongly believe, being independent stems from having a great respect for self. If you respect yourself enough, you will want to be able to hold your head high with the knowledge that you worked hard for the things you own and did not acquire them by sponging off the hard - earned money of another. I think if you as a woman respect yourself, then it is only natural that you expect any man (or woman for that matter) that comes along to respect you also.

If that is indeed the case, we set up certain standards for ourselves, and certain "rules and regulations" that we expect anyone coming into our lives to meet.
Example - if you don't smoke and wish others not to smoke around you because it throws of your allergies, or you simply don't like it, then THAT is a standard or rule that you expect your friends to respect.

Likewise, if a man comes into your life and you are an age old hopeless romantic who wants a door to be opened for you. WHY THE HECK NOT? 
Chivalry goes hand in hand with manners, something lacking in men today. If a man suggest you are independent therefore you can open your own door - get rid of him - and fast. The matter at hand is NOT that you claim to be self sufficient, it is that he is lazy and selfish.


If you are a woman just going about your business and a man is not kind or mannerly toward you, big deal - get past it, that is the nature of humans in this modern time.  We expect people to be polite and considerate, most of them simply are not.
If you are talking about dating or actively seeking a partner who will not offer you his jacket when you are cold because you are independent  and should have brought your own- RUN FROM HIM. He is not worth a minute of your time.
 A man may seem like he is giving you space and freedom to do your thing, but what he is doing is finding an excuse not to treat you the way any proper man should treat a woman.

An this is not a battle of the sexes. I open doors for my friends, I hold hands with my female cousin and I am very much heterosexual. I love my family and friends, therefore I show it. If a man is interested, he will show it and he will want to show it. He will not allow your independence to deter him from showing affection in whatever way - be if gifts or gestures.
REMEMBER men also have egos and feelings that we as women (AS HUMAN BEINGS) need to take into consideration.
ALLOW a man to BE A MAN with you. Let him pay for a date, let him drive, let him hold the bags if he can and is willing. If you want to be the type of independent woman that doesn't need anything from anyone anywhere - go live in the mountains.

Bisous!!xoxo

Dolly Dilemmas

 It's Monday! After the weekend of relaxing/karaoke/housework/whatever, I know the brain is often in go slow mode. So I will keep the post simple today for all the brains whose batteries have not yet fully recharged.
Last week I gave you a post about pregnant Barbie and this week I'm back to share some of the other controversial barbie dolls that you may or may not have heard of.
Easy on the eye, easy on the brain. HAVE A GREAT MONDAY EVERYONE!

Here is the already familiar pregnant Barbie

Here is wheelchair bound Barbie. The controversial doll was meant to teach children about living in a world among people with disabilities. Thumbs up!

Bald Barbie, the symbol of breast cancer survivors everywhere, comes with a collection of wigs. As a breast cancer supporter I also admire this concept of Barbie as a strong woman of the world. Who needs hair? 

Fat Barbie.  I think I understand the logic behind this to be that big women are beautiful, but this photo alone encourages a negative image of big women. I'm not sure if the fries and hamburger were included but I think someone got fired over this one.

Tattoo Barbie. Barbie is a pop princess with her bold blunt bob in pink and a cascade of tats on her shoulders and neck. This one was an incredibly controversial doll that raised the question of what are we really teaching young girls? Are we teaching them NOT to be stereotypical or are we teaching them it is cool to get inked from an early age?

More of Tattoo Barbie's tatts. I think there is a doll that also comes with removable tats so barbie can switch up her tat style until she finds the one she likes best.

Zombie Barbie. Enough said.

Psycho Barbie.  Comes with decapitated Ken - Okay, I confess, this twisted version of Barbie IS NOT on the market, but I did wander across quite a few scenarios for the crazed version of the doll. If you have an inquiring mind, you can google psycho barbie for yourself and see some of the queer imaginations of adults.

All fashionable and glam ladies can feel free to check the facebook page Divas & Dolls for fun fashion tips, blogs, photos, shopping info and more! Click on the link and don't forget to click LIKE on the page to show your support!http://www.facebook.com/pages/Divas-Dolls/261388773962577?ref=hl


Bisous!!xoxo

Sunday's Sermon - Disconnecting

"The brain is a computer - an organic one." Walter Bishop

Last week, a few of my readers noticed they did not see any facebook tags for blog post from me and they questioned me about it. I said to them simply, I was temporarily disconnected.

Through my blog I have made online connections and people who talk to me and ask me questions know me as a positive, upbeat young woman, who makes them see the glass as half full, but certainly they know my life like everyone else's is not always sunshine and rainbows. I often have situations that make me want to scream and throw in the towel.

Chances are I will scream, loudly. I have done it once in the middle of the street with no remorse for passers by, nor fear of their opinion of my level of sanity. In fact I suggest a good loud scream and a cry to everyone every where.
Anyone who knows me personally knows I am a person of extreme emotion. For me happiness, sadness, anger, and a wide spectrum of other emotions, is very intense.
For this reason, from time to time, when I am overcome by great anger or sadness I am a person who will disconnect.

For the last two weeks I was battling some physical and emotional issues and even though they did not affect my ability to blog, I simply choose NOT to. For a few days I lay in bed with my clock chiming every four hours to remind me to take my medication, and in between hours, I slept or stared at the ceiling thinking of either the pain I was in, the things I had to deal with when I got better, the new novel I was going to write, or just nothing at all.

I did not answer mail, I did not watch You Tube. I did not take any phone calls. I DISCONNECTED myself entirely. And this may seem strange to you, but have you heard of the word retreat? Are you aware people pay hundreds of dollars to go to some remote island or new country and stay in the country side where there are no televisions, radios or any form of internet connection just so they can spend a weekend doing exactly what I did at home for free?

 Sometimes, we as people cling to other people and things to much to get by. Some people cannot go two seconds without checking their phone for messages. their life has become consumed by the internet.
Other people can only handle difficult situations at the end of a bottle of liquor or legs up in another persons bed.
When we lose touch with ourselves we loose the ability to overcome difficult situations.

Note I said OVERCOME and not just deal with or handle. Everyone deals with situations daily. For example, a woman may be dealing with being in an abusive relationship, but she needs to OVERCOME being in that situation for her life to change or be better.

Now if you are still thinking I and the people who pay to shut the world out need Dr. Phil or some form of physiatric help, go tell it to the Chinese, who have been teaching the art of meditation for over countless centuries. When you sit cross legged in a quiet room or open space devoid of distraction and "clear your mind' you are putting into practice the art of disconnecting.
Meditation is the way that people who cannot leave their businesses of families and run off to a weekend retreat can disconnect temporarily and put their qi back in order.

(Qi - the Chinese word pronounced che or chi used to speak of the circulating life force of a body or being. Google it)

This is more important than you may think. Just as our bodies need a balance of food and nutrients, it needs psychological balance as well. This is what prevents us from killing people (or ourselves) among other things that will have us imprisoned or committed to a mental hospital.

 You see, like Mr. Bishop said in the opening quote, with all our electrical impulses and constant downloading and uploading of information, our brains are much like computers (of the organic type). We know all too well what happens if your computer is overloaded or overheated. The same goes for our minds and bodies.


You don't have to sit crossed legged with fingers touching and hum or recite some ancient ritualistic phrase. But every now and then you can turn off your computer, your cell phone, your kids (and yes, you can turn off your kids, tell you more about it later) and do one of two things -
1. Let your mind wander free to think of anything and everything. You will be surprised the money making ventures or solutions to problems you may come up with.
OR 2. Let your mind think of nothing at all. You will also be surprised the things you come up with when you're not thinking.

The point of it all is to have a selfish moment where YOU, YOU and YOU are the only thing that matters in the entire world. Not your kids, not the dog, not the people on facebook or at your workplace.
DISCONNECT.
Try it.

Live Within Your Means This Christmas.

Ah yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year - so the song goes.
It's also one of the most chaotic times of the year.
Some Bajans live to impress and show off  and their desire to keep up with the Jones' in December often means running from the bailiff in  January.
Most of us have heard the stories of persons who decorate their homes with new furniture and appliances only to have them carted back to the store in the new year.

As a child, like most children in middle income Barbadian homes, I have grown up with the ritual of decorating the tree a few weeks prior to Christmas day, stringing a barrage of lights about the place, cleaning the house and baking the ham and pork on Christmas eve. Each family has it's own way of doing things.

Whoever said Christmas was for children had a valid point, for as I grew up Christmas became so commercialized, it was all about the gifts I was no longer receiving and the money that I could not afford to spend. The lights and tree and cleaning became tiresome rituals I no longer wanted to be bothered with after a long hectic week of work and being raised in a Christian background I always figured, if Jesus was born in a manger meek and lowly, why were people killing themselves to have so much extravagance on the day of his birth.

Notice I said I was raised in a Christian environment. I do not seek to argue with any reader weather or not Christmas day is in December or January or if it even exist at all. Moving on...

It came to my attention that non - believers were the ones who turned Christmas into a big fiasco (I love that word), since they don't celebrate Jesus they could might as well find some way to make money out of another supposedly sacred holiday, but now Christians themselves have jumped on the Santa Clause bandwagon and they don't care one way or another if the Easter Bunny comes down the chimneys they do not have, as long as there is ham to give him.

So I ran away from my traditional Christmas at home and had Christmas at another house where there was no tree, no new curtains or mats, and due to the fact that everyone in the house was vegetarian there was no chicken, ham or pork either. I recall someone asking me how I survived it.
It was the best Christmas I ever had thus far in my adult hood. Four friends, some fish and some salads was all it took.
I did not label this post - "What does Christmas mean to you?" as I was going to. Christmas means different things for everyone. For some it is the celebration of a baby messiah, for others it's about gifts and trappings, and for some it is just another ordinary day. The point I really wanted to get across is this. It doesn't take a whole lot of money to make a wonderful memory. It doesn't take a whole lot of money to make a tradition or to make what it is important count.

This year has been financially difficult for many people and  I know this month many will want to hang their heads in shame if they cannot afford new household items or gifts for friends. Many of you will place yourselves in foolish situations and debt to afford things you think you cannot do without over the holiday.
You CAN do without a ham, a case of plus and a gallon or rum. YOU CAN. 

This year, recognize what is really important in your life.
 Live within your means this Christmas and see that happiness cannot be bought in any store. 

Bisous!!xoxo

Touchy Topic - What makes a great sex partner?

Topic as Submitted - What makes a man or woman a great sex partner? 

Today's topic will be the shortest in the history of my blog.

It depends on what you like, what your partner likes, what you both like and what you are both willing to do.
A sexual relationship is often an extension of a physical or emotional connection to a person. For women, it is usually the emotional, for which the get into her head before you get into her bed rule was invented. And for men it is usually the physical for which lingerie and high heels among other things were created. This is not always the case but it assist in my explanation.

As humans we rely on our senses for everyday task and sex is no exception. Knowing which of the senses you and your partner like will assist you in being "the best you can be". Are you visual or auditory creatures? How can you mix your likes with theirs to create a merge that pleases you both? Obviously if one person is happy and the other is not, the latter will not be returning.
ANY interaction with another human being requires some form of communication. (Work, school, the gym, etc...) you either have to TALK to the person about what you want/like/prefer or in the case of this topic, find a way to SHOW them. The less bossy the better, unless they like bossy (some people do).

Give and take and the willingness to try something new and unorthodox will always win you points. But never force yourself into doing what feels unnatural or uncomfortable, because it will create tension and therefore defeat the purpose.

I do not know if the "partner" in this case is a long time partner or one night fling. If it is a one night fling I guess you probably won't care that they aren't so good.

 To each his own and that applies to both men and women. I can't tell you what makes a good partner for anyone else but myself - and that, of course, I won't tell you.

Have a great day every one!!
Bisous!!xoxo

Herald the age of the Robot - part 1

I intentionally skipped the Touchy Topic for today. I had been asked to touch on a relationship oriented topic but a post on CNN this morning tied in with a topic I had been discussing with my mum last night and I felt obligated to share it.

We live in a age where technology has become such that cameras once hefty and needed to be wound between shots, have now been implanted into almost every phone and a number of other gadgets. It is now easy to snap a photo of any unsuspecting person or event  - and I am guilty of doing such on numerous occasions.

Me, like many others armed and dangerous with a blackberry or other device, hopes to perhaps capture some random historic event that will get me paid greatly, since the internet has made it easy to find wealth and fame with the right photo. With my flair for finding drama, I often hope I do not capture a crime in progress or any such other unfortunate scenario that will land me in the center of trouble.

The trend of snapping photos (and sharing them on social sites) has become so noticeably out of hand that persons have lost touch with their sympathetic and empathetic sides where photos are concerned. If a person falls in the middle of the street, anyone in the area with a camera rushes to take the photo first and help as an after thought.

The latest in this trend was a freelance photographer who snapped a photo of a man pushed into the path of an oncoming train and submit the photo to a highly recognized newspaper. Weather it was his right to take the photo or not, I don't know, I don't think taking photos of a person's impending death is against the law. 

Did he have time to help? From the CNN story it seems that neither him or anyone in closer proximity to the man could have saved him, perhaps without risk of being pulled onto the track with him. Incidents such as these occur so quickly, panic and confusion blur the fabric of time and thought. My thought is such that if I saw a man screaming for help in the path of an oncoming train, I would either rush in his direction even though aide may be futile, or I would have paused dead in my tracks in the horror of what I was about to witness. I suppose a trained photographer already armed with a camera wold have the habitual reflex of camera up to the eye.

I am not particularly upset the photographer snapped the shot. I, however, feel quite uneasy that the photographer tried to defend himself when the story became controversial by claiming he had hoped to capture the attention of the oncoming train with the flash from his camera. 

Had I snapped the shot I would have had a great moral debate with myself before thinking of submitting it to a newspaper for money. Was the paper right to splay this on the front page? 

This is not a man who by some means of folly on his own part fell onto the tracks and would thereby serve as a warning for folly doers everywhere - this was a man with a wife and child who was intentionally shoved onto the tracks after getting into an argument with another man and here his last moments are displayed for all to see. 

Why not display the face of the man who pushed him there? I will bet he will be protected by some souped up criminal law, while the other man's family is left to mourn. 

By now you might have been too engrossed in my ranting to remember the title of this blog and wonder what any of what I have said has to do with heralding the age of the robot. But if you are a smart reader you will have figured it out by now.

See how technological advances can connect us to people from all around the world but disconnect us from the people right in front of our faces? How many times has someone paused a conversation with you to type a message in their Blackberry to someone perhaps miles and miles away. Blatantly ignoring someone in front of you is no longer seen as a lack of respect. Photos such as the one spoken of here today are no longer seen as a lack of empathy. 

We are making way for an age where robots will walk among us and be programmed to do the things that humans no longer care to do.

Im my minds eye I see a robot rushing onto the tracks to snatch that man from impending doom while humans stand idly by. They will clap and cheer and then go on with their lives, if they even clap or cheer or notice he was on the tracks at all.

This is what our society is becoming. 

Bisous!!xoxo

You can read the CNN story here - http://edition.cnn.com/2012/12/04/us/new-york-subway-death/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

How much is too much?

Sometimes I am a little slow as to what occurs in the real world, but I had set my sights on pregnant barbie and her clan just recently and to be honest I was a bit surprised at some of the additions to modern day toys. Though I don't know why I should have been, it seems lately nothing is left a mystery to young minds. But that is what I get for being an eighties baby.

And speaking of babies, every young woman who has had any semblance of a child hood has invented some kind of game where mummy daddy and baby lived in harmony, going for walks in the park with the stroller and changing stinky diapers.
In these times where the family unit is so broken and busted, I have witnessed many children's versions of "house" change to scenarios where daddy is no longer present and if he is he comes home drunk and punches mummy's light's out.


Never the less, the fact remains, that in the games of boys and girls alike, baby is a well known aspect of family life. Much more can be said on the subject of the interaction between boys and girls and dolls and babies, but that would be straying off the intended topic - which is - How far is going too far with teaching children about the real world?

Being certified in child care and having worked over many years with young children it is indeed a fact that play aides in readying children for the world. It allows them to merge fantasy with reality to create and solve situations of varying kinds. All kids know babies come from mummies bellies and now they can pluck them out just like the doctor would. Does this kind of doll promote proper play or does this give misconceptions of birth - and above all, is it necessary?

Personally, in today's era where children are so smart and curious, I didn't see too damage in the baby in belly doll. I wished the pregnant mummy doll could have come with a daddy doll as well, but of course a rabbit can dream, can't he?

Once upon a time in the games of children, Ken and Barbie dated and got married and had kids, now Barbie  is knocked up by God knows who and posing for photos celeb like with her bulging belly. Ken is now in maintenance court for a child that he can't say for certain is his or not and the entire idea of the family unit has gone to hell in a baby basinette.

The promotion of pregnant Barbie does not promote single parenting or promiscuous living, that is a matter of the parent of the house in which pregnant Barbie resides.

Barbie not only comes with her swollen stomach but with placenta and umbilical cord extending from her plastic vagina.

When I see Barbie spread eagle, panties down and what looks like a head poking out of her plastic pubic area, this is where I asked the question. Was all that really necessary for your young child? 
It is argued that the birthing process is difficult for some adults to handle and should not be taught to young children less they be traumatized, but others believe that by exposing young minds to this natural process of life, both male and females will be less squeamish and confused in regard to the birthing process.
In my opinion plucking a baby from a plastic leg space will never prepare you for the sight of a real baby head coming from a real womb.

If I had a daughter, pregnant Barbie and her accessories would NOT be going under the tree for Christmas.

Bisous!!xoxo

Look out for more odd dolls later in the week...bet you didn't know they made Fat Barbie, Zombie Barbie and a whole range of other madness. 

Monday Randomness

Some of you noticed I went M.I.A since last Monday. I was dealing with some personal issues, and even though it didn't stop my train of thought in terms of blogging, I just decided to disconnect myself from the internet and other such related means of communication.

Perhaps I will tell you more about it in Sunday's Sermon for this week. I have been considering making some of my post a bit more personalized. 

To share or not to share more of Cocoa, that is the question. while I ponder it, today will be just quick random thoughts.

1. Who does this to their cat and why?

2.Who remembers the cabbage patch kids? I still have mine from my childhood, and is it worth any money? I lost his shoes and clothes but could I get anything for him on E-Bay?

3. I would so like to be here right now.

4. If you don't know who this is you missed a great era in childhood. 

5. I am so tempted to do this on the bus... I really am.

Okay, that's enough Randomness for the day. This week you can look forward to post about wives who get too complacent in their marriages, the foolishness parents are teaching their children, along with the Touchy Topics, Ask Cocoa on Saturday and the Sunday Sermon.

Thanks for reading and thanks for those who messaged to say they missed the blog post!

HAVE A GREAT MONDAY EVERYONE!!

Bisous!!xoxo