Sunday's Sermon - Find The Crack

People always ask me where I get the inspiration for my post and my reply is always nowhere and everywhere. It would surprise them the things I can be inspired by.

One of my latest favorite series is Fringe - if you know the series it is based on supernatural like happenings and conspiracy theories merged with a bit of forensics. In one particular episode a female cop was given a pen by her male partner with the engraving "find the crack". The cop states that in every darkness there is a crack of light. 

Usually, the crack of light in this instance is used in connection with conspiracy theories to encourage a person to open their minds to that flicker in their subconscious that tells them an "impossible" scenario can indeed be possible. However, I also recall the phrase being used in a book I read once where a young man faced a serial killer and was knocked unconscious. Upon awakening he found himself in a dark unknown room and set out to find a crack of light in the darkness that would offer him hope that there was a door, window or some means of escape. The two may seem unconnected, but in both instances, there is the bending of the mind to allow the "impossible" to become possible.

What does all this horror stuff have to do with the Sunday sermon you may be asking. 

Just take a look at today's economy. Aren't we indeed seeing some dark and dismal times? People are losing jobs, barely able to keep their heads afloat. Families and children are in crisis and daily people are losing hope. They are becoming overwhelmed and consumed with depression and despair.  They are telling themselves their situation is impossible to get out of.

In my own life, I have seen some dark times. I have often wondered why I was made to suffer, struggle and sacrifice when I considered myself to be a good person and "bad" people were skipping along seemingly stress free. 

Times like these are when we have to find the crack in the darkness of our own lives. Seek out that crack of light that offers hope that there is a window or door in which will lead to our escape of the dark. 

A crack! - not a stream, not a beam, not a ray. A crack is something very small. People think that hope and help come with trumpets and confetti in a parade. They do not understand that something as small as a crack is all it takes. Your bills may be backed up, you may be hungry and unemployed, but the fact that you are healthy and strong may be the crack in your darkness. Your health grants you the ability to get up today or tomorrow and seek some source of income or perform some random odd job to help you get by. 

The man that found himself locked in a dark unknown room didn't just lay there and cry and wait to die. He stood up with what little strength he had left, and began to look for the crack. He stumbled over dead bodies and bones, but he didn't let the fate of others deter him. When he didn't find the crack, he refused to give up, instead he got down on his hands and knees and crawled the length and breath of the room searching again from a different angle.

 The fact that many people had been there before him and had died where he stood could have made him believe his situation was impossible, but he knew his life depended on finding that small glint of hope. 

Maybe someone today needs that small glint of hope too.

Like the man in the story, DO NOT GIVE UP, do not loose hope because you see others around you have lost hope. 

There is a crack in every darkness. Find Yours.

Do you see now how something as seemingly irrelevant as a pen in a movie has inspired me to inspire you? Inspiration is all around us, if we open our minds to it.

Bisous!!xoxo

Black Friday

The yearly madness continues...I'm sure most of you know about Black Friday, the after Thanksgiving sale spree that occurs in America. Truth was, when I got an email regarding black Friday I automatically looked at my calendar and was a bit confused.

Yes, sometimes I have no clue of what goes on in the world, but thank God for Google, CNN, and my very own Barbadian Nation (now online so my fingers don't need to get black with print ink).

For those of you who are unaware, I am not only barely reaching the five foot mark, but I am a regular Olive Oyl. Crowds and I do not mix very well. Being pushed, shoved and yelled at are three of the things I loathe most, mix them with my hot temper and you can see how being involved in Black Friday would only lead to my arrest. 

Like perhaps everyone else in the world, I enjoy a good bargain, especially in these times where the price of everything has gone sky high, but I don't want bargains at the cost of life or limb. 

You may think I am exaggerating, but there have been accounts of shootings, stabbings and a number of various injuries and arrest related to this shopping spree madness. I have watched footage of people being trampled in the rush to be the first in the stores. And not just Americans are in on this, but people from all countries travel to the state at this time of the year just to get in on the action. Many Barbadians plan their trips around Black Friday and other sale events to be able to pack barrels of groceries to send home.

Many other countries are following the trend of Black Friday, including my own little Barbados. Though we are not a country that goes by seasonal trends, events like Christmas, Easter, Valentine, etc... find store owners packing away the leftover stock until the next year to sell again. But larger franchises like Unicomber (Courts) and Cave Shepherd have picked up on the benefit of store wide sale. Events like Midnight Madness at Christmas time have become recognized and anxiously awaited. 

It was hilarious for my friends and I to create scenarios of what would happen if we sought to emulate Black Friday in Barbados. How many people would end up in the hospitals? How many behind bars? And even more interesting, what would be left to purchase the next day?
"My Bajans too love a sale" ( I say in Bajan dialect)
I am sure if prices came down to the prices of those in American department stores, there would be nothing left on the shelves within hours.

Still, some people live for the thrill of not just the good deals, but the fact that they were able to get them first or wrestle them out the clutch of some other desperate person. 

Me? I'll pass. 

And I know there are a few other sensible people out there who are able to find good deals without the drama. 

Bisous!!xoxo

For more black Friday stories and photos - click the link!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/22/black-friday-horror-stories-2012_n_2172516.html

Touchy Topic Thursday - Twitter Beef

Topic as Submitted - What you got to say about all these people cussing and beating people over what they say about them on twitter?*

Cocoa Bisou joined facebook yesterday and tossed a few random post up on there, one of which was K Michelle cursing out one of the "fans" at her own show (while she was on stage) over something they said on twitter.
I heard of  K Michelle before, but I didn't really know who she was, and after I saw her acting up, I didn't want to know.

For the life of me I cannot figure why she was on twitter during her own concert and why she felt it appropriate or necessary to curse out someone who had come to see her. Even if they came to talk trash, it was evident there was something that fascinated them about her because they were there. I assumed it could have been just a publicity stunt.

But there was no publicity stunt in the video I watched earlier in the year  where a young black female dragged another young woman from her doorway and repeatedly stomped on her head over some "racist" remark tweeted.

It is more and more obvious to me that people do not understand the reason for the delete, block, remove, and in this case, the unfollow option. If there is someone saying things that you don't like, remove them from your social site. Simple, easy, effective and no one loses sleep at night.
I may follow someone today whose tweets are hilarious and entertaining, then five days later those hilarious tweets have become repetitive and there are only so many times I can laugh at the same joke, therefore I unfollow them. More likely than not, they don't care, they have some thousands more followers, half of which they probably purchased.

I have not had the issue of anyone saying anything about me, but then again, hey, I have as much followers as a bored housewives book club. But I have come across people that will dislike me on the first encounter for whatever reason. Let them say what they want, I know who I am and I am happy with myself. 
Old people went to war and fought, lost limbs and died for the freedom we enjoy. part of that freedom is allowing people to say whatever they want. And I thank God for that, or I probably could not even be writing this post now.

People who feel the need to constantly defend themselves and lash out every time someone says something negative about them or their family, or their country or their race has unresolved issues they need to address.

I love me some me...I don't care what they say about me on twitter or anywhere else. If I want beef, I look for it at the supermarket, not on the internet.

Bisous!!xoxo

*Please note the topics are written as received. My Barbadian reader wrote in Bajan dialect. I will fix spelling mistakes, but rarely will I change/correct grammar. This blog is for everyone of every background to feel free to send me their topics and questions.

Single Ladies Online - Beware!!

SINGLE LADIES ONLINE BEWARE OF INTERNET FRAUDS...

DO NOT BE DESPERATE!!

This man goes by the name/alias Andrew Roberts - here is pictured with a child who he claims to be his son Patrick. The photo may be real, but the story that goes with it is not. It is nothing more than a ploy to get women to send money to a fraud. If this man is real - and you happen to know his photo is being used without his knowledge in a scam, please inform him. If he is indeed aware of this foolishness, please offer him a dose of Dioxin.

 I don't know how many of you have ever received mail from an unknown person expressing interest in having you as an online friend or pen pal, then asked you for money for some random emergency. It has happened to me before and I have heard stories of it happening to other people both male and female.

Now these internet frauds are going to new lengths by preying on single women who may be seeking partners online by adding them through social and dating sites, sharing photos, exchanging life stories and gaining the trust of women desperate for a life partner, then seeking to con them into sending them money. 

My single women, DO NOT be so desperate for a partner that you allow yourself to be fooled. 

I have never been on a dating site nor am I actively seeking an online relationship so such offers do not appeal to me,  but due to my blogs and other work I am contacted by random people on different social sites. Some are seeking information on business services, others are commenting on my blog work, others are inquiring as to my relationship status. 

Many men are too "fresh" for my taste and for that reason I began to withhold much of my personal information on social networks. Some people will lie and claim "married" on their social sites to keep away men who may be interested in pursuing them romantically or taking advantage of them.

Because of this it is difficult to know who is really who or what they claim to be.

What begins as a friendly hello turned into a man sharing his tragic life story with me about the loss of his wife and his hardship raising a son on his own. From the start I suspected this man was a fraud, so I went along with the story to see at what point he would throw in the twist.

 For weeks the man was placid and patient, then he began to express the joy he felt by being able to talk to me and claimed to thank God every night in his prayers for a friend to talk to. He then began to express his need for a female companion as he had already gotten past the formalities of telling me about his job, income and house. Within a month the man was ready to send me money to travel to be with him if my heart so desired.

I am amazed that women out there are still falling for these stories and scams. Many women are so lonely that they are overjoyed and overwhelmed when a man pays such interest. And women seeking to leave their country will be tempted to grab at these types of offers.

This man, who claimed to be an American working with an American company doing work in Nigeria (which was a dead giveaway for me from day one) revealed one day his son fell ill. By the next day his son was worse and by the third day the son was at death's door due for expensive test and treatments that he would need US$300 (BDS$600) for until his pay check came through at the end of the month.

It took him a while to build the momentum, but he didn't disappoint in being fraudulent. The delay is what fools many women. The passing time allows them to develop a connection. 

Ladies, I know some of you are lonely and may be tired of one date after the next. Some of you haven't been out in the world of relationships for a while and find safe haven behind your computer screen. But in the online world, like in the real world, many men out there are out for their own selfish and personal gain. they DO NOT care about you, nor do they have good intentions.

Please be fully aware that some of the "strangers" you may meet may very well know you even if you don't know them. All too often we hear stories of women who have given out their address and so such details to someone who they think is in another continent that turns out to be in their very neighborhood and shows up at their doorstep to do them harm. Many women think it can never be them, until it is. I have a friend in Canada who was stalked for months by an online date site chat partner.

I have heard many great stories of people finding love online and many tragic stories of people finding death as well. If a stranger walks up to you on the street you would not gush out your life story and personal info (well, some people do but the average person usually does not) so take the same approach with an online stranger. 

Be Smart With Your Heart!

Bisous!!xoxo

Her First Love.

Hip Hop artiste Teairra Marie sang -  "I ain't had no daddy around when I was growing up, that's why I'm wild and I don't give a ****."

In the same way female children look up to their mothers for their ideas of beauty, fashion and behavior, they look up to fathers for the idea of what a man should be. How he dresses, acts and most importantly treats the women in his life (by women I don't mean girlfriends, I mean, mother, daughter, grandmother, old lady next door, etc...)
A man that is constant in physically or verbally abusing his girlfriend, wife and/or children sets the ideal in the mind of a young girl of how she should be treated. She will always be walking on eggshells around men, wondering when they will lash out and curse her out or box her to the floor.

 A man who speaks lovingly, scolds gently, takes a moment to listen and laugh with his daughter sends her out into the world  with a kind and gentle spirit, trusting, open and willing to love rather than always trying to protect her heart from hurt.

This photo of Will Smith and his daughter Willow brought back memories of moments shared with my own father. Though my days were mostly spent in the presence of my mother, the times my father was available to me, he spent nights reading me Greek Mythology and singing duets with me while strumming his guitar. I thought my father had the most beautiful voice in the world, and though there may be male singers that may be able to surpass the vocal skills of my dad, he will always be my singing superstar. Just to hear him singing Edelweiss makes you want to break down and cry.

I sat in awe at my father's book shelf reading titles of books too advanced for my age, but the stories of Greek Mythology my father told were so impressive, I wondered what other great adventures lay tucked away on his shelf. Reading and music are still my first loves. To this day I am happy to be locked away for hours with a novel or singing at the top of my voice in my room. In the years gone by, I took on a studio recording contract and focused my love of reading into writing novels of my own.

Yes, I am certain my mother could have done the same with the same result. Coming from a two parent home, my mother also played a great role in my development, but fathers need to understand the love and admiration that comes from him is of a different nature than that of a mother or other female.

A young woman as she begins to date and/or look for a life partner recalls the type of man her father was, or was not. A woman who had a father that loved, listened, talked, encouraged and inspired will seek (often unknowingly) to acquire those qualities. 

A woman who had a father of the opposite nature may either believe that is the only type of man she can be wth because she has made herself able to deal with or handle such a man OR she may not want that type of man understanding that his behavior is destructive, but may find herself attracting or gravitating toward men of such nature, due to the attitude already deeply rooted in her.

 Just to have daddy's undivided attention can often be enough.

I have no degree in human behavior. Many factors affect the actions and behaviors of a child when it becomes an adult. All I am saying to you fathers is this - You may not be able to sing ballads like my dad, or even know how to read and therefore cannot read to your daughter. (it is not uncommon).

- TEACH her to catch fish if that is what you are good at, teach her to swim, to run, to handstand, ride a bike. Those things are just as important as her knowing how to put on makeup and do her hair.

-SHARE in her girly play, clap when she spins like a ballerina and drink her pretend tea. DO NOT feel too manly to do this. You are preparing your daughter for the world and teaching her how to interact.

-TELL your daughter she is beautiful, if she is black as midnight or white as snow. Tell her she is smart, she is talented. And most of all tell her you love her and don't stop telling her no matter how old she gets. It is the one thing a woman never grows tired of hearing. 

MAKE GOOD MEMORIES.

Bisous!!xoxo

I leave you with the words of Alanis Morissette from one of my favorite songs - Princes Familiar. In it she speaks of characteristics she wishes fathers to instill so that in the quest for men of tiher own, daughters would be able to identify the man that is familiar to them. A man like their own father.

Papa love your Princess so that she will find loving Princes familiar, 

Papa cry for your Princess so that she will find, gentle Princes familiar, 

Papa listen to your Princess so that she will find attentive Princes familiar, 

Papa hear your Princess so that she will find curious Princes familiar,

Papa laugh with your Princess so that she will find funny Princes familiar,

Papa respect your Princess so that she will find respectful Princes familiar,

Sunday's Sermon - Letting Go...

No matter how beautiful a thing may still seem,
it it brings more hurt than happiness -
It's time to let it go.

LETTING GO....some people think it's the same as giving up. I don't. I consider it more like moving on to something else from something that no longer works or brings pain, distress and frustration.
Maybe I am wrong and they are one in the same. Well, if they are or aren't, today I am inclined to say that sometimes you have to let go - move on - give up - throw in the towel.

You have been struggling with a man that is hitting you time and time again. you say he is going through some issues and he will get better, but for years now, he seems to be getting worse. Let him go.

You are trying to do everything you can for a child who won't come off cocaine. You give them food, shelter, clothing, money. take them to and from rehab. Seek employment for them, stay patient with them, but they continue to spiral like Alice down the rabbit hole. Let them spiral - alone.


You may think I have no clue what I am talking about today. How can I advise a woman to walk away from a man that may be the love of her life or her only source of income? How can I ask someone to turn away from their child in trouble?
Ever heard of tough love? Sometimes people need it. Sometimes the drug addicted child needs to stop being fed and lead further into dependency, sometimes the abusive man/husband needs to have his punching bag taken away. Sometimes we, the ones that keep holding on to these people, need to put some tough love on OURSELVES and WALK AWAY from the chains that are keeping us bound in order to live at our full potential.

I do not speak these words idly. I speak them based on experiences of my own and from the experiences of families that have walked in and out the doors of my father's homeless shelters and rehab programs. I have witnessed as well as lived in denial for many years about many things.
Perhaps you have opened a business, taken on a mortgage or loan and you are struggling - in above your head and the stress is too much too bear. Still you are holding on because you don't want to look like a failure to your friends, family, neighbors, you don't want to feel like a failure and have to look yourself in the mirror everyday knowing that you did not succeed in whatever it was you set out to do.
I am here to tell you today - LET IT GO!
Stop holding on, STOP beating yourself into the ground. Create a Plan B, a Plan C, a plan D if you have to and move it along. Take your loses, chuck up your deuces and go. 

If that man is hurting you again and again...let him go.

For some people letting go will be liberating. There will be a sense of freedom and relief that floods through you the likes of which you have never felt. Your eyes may be opened up to a new world of possibilities and you may wonder why you never let go of your burden sooner.
For others it will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. You will feel as though you dropped the weight you were carrying on your head and the pressure wants to crush your skull and kill you. You will ask yourself if you have lost your mind and day and night perhaps ask yourself if you have done the right thing. But in the back of your mind there will always be that echoing YES! Time is indeed a healer of all things, and for you to ever be healed you need to be away from the situation hurting you.

Drugs of alcohol destroying your family? Thinking? Way of life?
Don't be afraid to get help letting go if you cannot handle it alone.

If it's the bottle that keeps you running back spending your hard earned money day after day or weekend after weekend, LET IT GO. 
If it is negative and disruptive friends with whom you no longer fit in and no longer feel comfortable with or accepted by, LET THEM GO.
 If it is drugs destroying your way of thinking, your way of life or caused you to loose family, work and friends, LET IT GO.
If a relationship has you torn - you are with a married man that won't leave his wife. LET IT GO. You are with a woman who you know only wants you for financial aide, LET IT GO. If you are waiting for a man or woman who is involved with someone else to love you and you are constantly hurting and obsessing over why you are not good enough for them to want you  - LET IT GO!
DO YOU HEAR ME??

Sometimes it takes much hurt and much grief for us to get to the level where we are so frustrated that we choose to move on. But often when we reach that level our spirits are so broken and damaged it is hard for us to rebuild our lives without painful shards still stuck to us. These sharp edges end up hurting those around us who really care and pushing them away.
TAKE STEPS today to let your heartache go. You may not be able to all at once, but just like moving house, begin to pack your things little by little. Don't be afraid to get help letting go if you cannot do it alone.

Give yourself some tough love. Don't keep trying to fix a broken record player. Go out and get an ipod. Change is inevitable and it comes harder for those who keep holding on to the past. If what was is gone. LET IT GO - and move on. 

May You be Inspired Today Readers!


PS - Anyone reading this post and thinks they need help with a situation, or a recommendation to a pastor or counselor -  Please do not be afraid to email me at cocoabisou@gmail.com

Touchy Topic - Should my hair be natural for my daughter's sake?

Topic As Submitted - If a woman is trying to teach her daughter to love her natural hair, should she also have natural hair?

It would make sense wouldn't it? It is easy to have the do as I say not as I do rule, which would prevent your daughter from relaxing her hair until she is at the legal age of adulthood, but if you are trying to instill the value of self - esteem and self love, that is a lesson better shown that preached. 

Before the rap star/rock star/celebrity posters go up on the rooms of their walls, the first person a child idolizes is it's mother or father. Your may be unaware that your daughter waves her hand around like you do or says the same catch phrase until someone draws it to your attention. 

Young girls will put on mummy's shoes and play dress up with her accessories. It is all fun and games, but this is how your daughter is learning to perceive  beauty. Your relaxed  or natural tresses will become her idea of beautiful hair. If your hair is relaxed  and hers is not, she may not like her own natural hair because it is a different texture and therefore not beautiful like mummy's, for she aspires to be like you.

I am not saying it is impossible for you to have relaxed hair and your child to grow to love her natural tresses. I have an aunt who has thick natural hair that broke every comb but a steel one.She relaxes it to make it more manageable in her hectic work life. My cousin, her daughter, has a head full of identical thick healthy hair, which is now in lush beautiful dreadlocks, and has never once had a relaxer in her twenty six years of living.

My mum wore many styles, relaxed hair, braids, natural fros, twist. I am like that today, I switch my style up all the time. That is not a self-esteem issue. I love me some me. My mother and I are both creative souls who design and make clothing and bags, sing, decorate...our hair styles are just another part of how we express our creative burst. I am like my mother in that way. My cousin is like her mother in a different way.  You must recognize what traits you share with your own daughter, for those are the aspects you will have most effect on.

Teaching a child to love her hair is part of teaching her to love herself. People have the misconception that people who wear natural hair love themselves more than people who don't.
Black women have even now become prejudiced to women with relaxers and accuse them of being self - hating disgraces to the black race.                          

Both my auntie and mum taught my cousin and I that we were beautiful, smart and talented, among many other things. They gave us the chance to see the world from all angles, not just as natural hair girls or straightened hair girls. We were taught to accept all people and styles and seek out the value in a person, rather than a head of hair.

From these teachings we have come to make our own choices, knowing to be ourselves is a beautiful thing. 

I do believe in leading by example, your daughter may grown up and seek to relax her hair, but it does not mean she will forget mummy's fro, twist out or coiled curls. The important thing is for her to know her hair in it's natural state is beautiful, along with her body, soul and spirit.THAT, mummy, is what you seek to teach your daughter.

Bisous!!xoxo

I absolutely adore this photo.  I could not tell if the mother's hair was relaxed or dread locked or braided, but you know what? It didn't matter. What shines through in this photo is NOT the hair of mother and child, but the love. I wish we spent less time worrying about external beauty and focused on internal beauty.

Touchy Topic - Male Strippers

Topic as submitted - What do you think about male strip shows in Barbados?

I assume the basis of this question is weather or not I condone male strip shows or men performing for women for money.

With the economy going downhill and the cost of living spiking, bills, rent, debt, kids, increase not just the need for money,but the urgency of the need. 

Men and women alike have discovered the two most needed commodities are still food and entertainment**, and yes, for many people sex falls under the category of entertainment. 

The wage for an exotic dancer far exceeds the minimum wage offered by today's employers and allows for a far more comfortable way of life. However, people do not choose their money making professions based only on their financial needs and the ability or inability to handle them, they also choose based on moral conviction and are likewise judged by the moral views of others.

People are inclined to believe it is only Christians or religious people who look down with disdain upon particular issues, based on the principles set by their religion. But believe me, I have met many a non- religious person, some who have never said a prayer or believe in a higher power that are strongly against smokers, drug users, strippers, homosexuals and prostitutes among other things. Everyone is fueled by their own personal idea of morality.

Stripping is generally seen as negative in the eye of society and is linked closely to prostitution, which is still illegal in many places (like Barbados) but tolerated. Sex and sexual acts have now become over publicized and constantly in our faces. 

The misuse, abuse and negative side effects of particular things are why they are made illegal. It is easy to say make the sale of sex legal, make weed legal, make cocaine legal - then we will be living in a world of high over sexed people unable to function. ANYTHING can become addictive and the overuse is what becomes bad for the body and/or mind in some form -be it salt, sugar, drugs or sexual acts and that is a fact to be greatly considered by the people who find themselves constantly flocking to strip shows to throw money on a stage or slip it down the crack of someone's butt.

Be also advised on what you may be really getting into, many women are unaware their buff, gyrating entertainer is really a homosexual or bi-sexual male. A heterosexual woman who may openly look down upon gay men may be very well sliding her hands down the oiled back of one at a strip show, or taking one home if overcome by a fit of lust. 

A group of strippers with their lawyer, went to court and fought for the right to be able to entertain women with strip dances and shows with the claim of being a "classy" operation that did not have nude performers and did not sell sex as an extra perk.

I have never been to a male (or female) strip show or club, nor do I desire to attend one. I have been accused of being stuck up, bougie and holier-than-thou and I don't care. To each his own. I know male (and female) strippers who are some of the nicest, sweetest people in the world, but I do not wish to have their derrieres in my faces among a group of screaming women.
My life experiences have enabled to me to understand a person's way of life without having to be a part of it.

 IF, however, my boyfriend decides to strip for me at home, I will run out and buy him a pole if his fine heart so desires.


Bisous!!xoxo

Honey, It's a Weave.

I am sure upon reading the title you thought it was going to be another post on female hair wars. When a message popped up in my phone last night that read "is he wearing a weave?" I thought the he was a common typo that should have read she - that was, until the photo below popped up as well.

Well, Lord knows I had a good belly laugh for a minute at the pic and caption combined, but I really forced myself to stop and think (Yes, think, that think you do with your brain that most young people seem to lack the skill to do) How do I feel about this? I mean, really feel about this.

A male friend of mine considers any man that follows the same beauty trends, fashions, or regime as a female is homosexual and no one can change his opinion on the subject. He was mad beyond words at this photo.(he has a sexy bald head by the way)
But this picture made a lot of questions surface in my mind.
One - Don't men suffer from self esteem issues just as women do? It is obvious in the photo the man is losing hair or has a receding hairline and the hair is an attempt to cover it which means he is not comfortable with how his hair looks. Also - his natural hair is "kinky" but the finished installation is wavy and soft in texture, which is another implication that he wants a look different to his own. Does that make him less masculine?
Two - Don't women do this everyday? is it acceptable for a woman to want a different hair texture, color and style, but not a male? Men do have the same desire to feel sexy and attractive to the opposite sex as women do.
Three - Why not cut all off and go bald? Who said women should have a head of full thick locks and not men? Why aren't men entitled to want curly coils and waves? Has society made us believe hair is a representation of beauty and self esteem only for a woman? Were we not all born with hair that if uncut would grow with no end?
Four - Women wear pants, play sports, work in construction and other things once thought to be male only arenas. Now in this modern day, men have manicures, pedicures and facials once thought to be female beauty treatments. So does male hair "weaves" now fit into that bracket along with the male legging and nail polish for men as once sported by Brad Pitt? Or are some things just too much?

I cannot recall when I first became familiar with female weave, but I do recall in my younger years being familiar with the "toupee" and it was common in movies to see a Caucasian male wearing a piece of fitted hair to cover his balding areas. This was acceptable to me due to the fact that white males usually had a large amount of hair on their heads, while black males either had locks or kept their hair low, so I saw no reason for a black male to want a hair piece.
So, is this really another Caucasian trend filtering into the black community?

My take on the subject is this. Sometimes, women and men are really much alike. They all share many of the same issues, with self esteem and sex appeal. Men are taught to approach these issues different than women.
If you are a woman who is bald and you wear a wig or hair piece, you would expect a man to be okay with that. but if he told you HE was wearing a wig or a piece, could you accept that? Would you accept it if he was white but not black?

Is this a homosexual issue? A self esteem issue? Has the world gone mad?
My verdict will have to be this - everyone has a reason for everything they do. Before we judge we should seek to discover what that reason is. As crazy as this may sound, if I meet a man wearing fake hair, what could I say? I wear it too. I just don't want him wearing mine.

Bisous!!xoxo


PS - Today is world kindness day, so be kind to someone today! 

My Ten Children

I hope no one gets mad at me for today's post. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.

I make it my business to try to read the news everyday and the article My Ten Children was recommended for me by a friend who obviously enjoys listening to me rant and rave.
 The minute I saw a lone woman sitting among a flock of children, I knew I was not going to enjoy the story. I allowed myself the faint flicker of hope the article would be an inspiring one about a woman who lost her husband or suffered an illness and would have a powerful story to tell about overcoming grief and living as a single mother - or pulling through her sickness through the love of her children and family.
But, sadly, the article was, as I had suspected, rubbish in it's purest form and I make no apologies for the sentiment.

The woman in the article claimed she always wanted ten children and I see nothing wrong with having ten children (or more), IF you can comfortably provide for them financially as well as provide a stable environment in which they can grow (note I said comfortably, which means not having to sacrifice one thing to provide another).This story, however, tells of a woman who has ten children from five different men from the age of sixteen, none of whom she is currently involved with at present due to "relationship difficulties".

BEFORE anyone puts me on blast, let me say quickly, having a man or being married does not validate a woman. I believe it IS better to walk away from a bad/abusive/self destructing relationship than to stay and become a resentful, bitter, cold hearted human being prone to suicide or murder. BUT, if your life's goal is to have ten children, part of the plan should be to produce them with a partner that will provide some kind of role model/father figure/moral support/help/guidelines/etc...It seems this was her intention, but sadly, it did not quite work out that way.

The article makes it look like this mother moved from place to place, and man to man, being so frustrated she left the island for months after her fifth child and giving credit to her family in America for providing material necessities. Even with all that she was determined to have ten children, and subsequently produced four more. There is no reference to this woman seeking an education, or doing anything productive or profitable for the good of herself and these children. Yes, she works, but at one point she mentions it was off and on.

The story ends with the woman ( now a forty year old grandmother still raising her own two year old son) stating she wants her children to get good jobs and be independent. She has advised women NOT to go through what she went through, but it seems for the fact that she "regrets the fathers because of the stress to get support" for her children. She has also advised her daughter (not her son who also has children) not to get anymore children and I will bite my tongue as far as that is concerned.

If the article was meant to promote some kind of positive re-enforcement I don't think it succeed. Perhaps it was meant to show a woman who "made it" through all odds, but made it to where I am still uncertain.
 I cannot deny these children seem greatly loved - and sometimes love may be all you need to get by. Perhaps that was the synopsis of all this.
In my opinion, it seems to highlight poor judgment by black single mothers.Even though she advises against taking the route she took, her glorified photo and story seem to only act as a beacon for other women constantly procreating to think - "if she can do it, why can't we."

But this blog is only about MY opinion (because it's MY blog). Read it for yourself if you wish and feel free to put me on blast if you think I am wrong. I can handle it.

Bisous!!xoxo
http://www.nationnews.com/articles/view/my-10-children/

Sunday Sermon- Kindness

KINDNESS...

 Animals, who are, in the scheme of things, inferior to man, often seem to have human like characteristics. But it is not that they seem to share human emotional traits that concern me, it is that we humans often fail to show some of the characteristics that animals do!

How is it a dog could willingly lay and nurse the cubs of a lion, or a squirrel could share a meal for one with four unexpected bird lunch guest? yet, we as humans, are so heartless and unsympathetic toward our own kind.

How many women would offer to nurse the offspring of a mother who died in child birth. How many would share their meal or home with strangers? (In these times of high crime and folly I am not suggesting anyone open their home to random strangers).We have become a lot of selfish, inconsiderate people who would not even offer a smile to someone else.

It is now a rare occasion when a young man offers a seat to an elderly woman. Just recently during a crowded bus ride, a young man offered to hold my heavy bag, as he was unable to give me his seat.  The woman beside me suggested I check that my cell phone and money were still in my bag when he handed it back.
Acts of kindness are so rare that people are led to believe there is some selfish gain to be had when a stranger is kind to them.

While mobile messenger chats have connected us to people all around the world, they have disconnected us from the people closest to us. Chances are if a person falls at the bus stop, their photo will be snapped and sent halfway across the globe before they are helped up and asked if they are okay.

I have heard people complain that years of being kind has gotten them nowhere. As the saying goes, their kindness is taken for weakness. And I have seen it happen many times before, for it has also happened to me. But I assure you from my life experiences that even though you may have been taken advantage of, you have also been blessed. Sometimes we don't realize the ways in which we've been blessed because we are too busy looking at what is going wrong in our lives. But take a minute to asses yourself... How many times has someone been kind to you? Think of even one kind word or action that may have made your day.

Kindness does not have to be a major act. A compliment is an act of kindness when said with sincerity.
If you wait to be "re-paid" in kindness by people you have been kind to, chances are, it may never happen. A stranger may wander by and do more for you than your closet friend. But if you are actively seeking reward for your kindness, you defeat the purpose of being kind.

Do a random act of kindness today. Not for exultation, not for profit. If you are tired of being in a world where everyone is sour and nasty and mean - take the first step to making change. START WITH YOURSELF. You may think as one person you can't make much change in the world. And maybe you can't make much change in the world, but you can make it in your home, your neighborhood, your country.
That seed of kindness you sow in your little corner can grow into a beautiful strong tree of change.

The Sunday Sermon is not aimed at promoting religious views. it is just to inspire and encourage my readers and friends as they head into a new week. 

Thanks for reading everyone and have a great day!!

Work that hair!

 Coming across this photo, one of the things I loved about it was the head of healthy natural hair on the female. Though I have a wide range of styles I choose for myself, from long relaxed tresses to braided rows, I like to see a head of wild natural coils.

A female friend of mine hated this hair. She insisted, this was not a style, but just a nappy mess on the loose. She concluded, while it may be acceptable for wondering the streets, this woman, unknown to us, would never be accepted in the corporate world of work.

I, of course, had a problem with that.
Why should anyone be turned down for a job because of the way they wear their hair?
I am a woman who loves all races and skin colors. Some people have hair that grows out of their heads and fall straight and limp. Others have hair that grows out in frizzy coils. Some, like this woman pictured here, have hair that grows out and up and looks quite like a large brush. How ever your hair grows up out your head is called your natural hair. You have no control over how it grows. So why is it that a person of lighter skin who has loose limp hair is not under any pressure to "fix" their hair, but a black woman wearing her natural hair is asked to "fix" hers to attain a position in any "prestigious" place of business.

Is the woman ineffective at her job if she has a huge nappy fro? Is she any less trustworthy than the female with relaxed hair?
Would it really be so bad if your lawyer or doctor had a big wide afro of healthy natural hair? Would it cause them to loose your case or give you a wrong diagnosis?

You can all see where I'm going with this.
I recently cut my own damaged hair off and some of the people I know acted like it was the end of the world as they knew it. Does losing my hair make me suddenly unable to type a good blog post, listen to a friend in need, love, smile, share a positive idea or laugh and enjoy life?
It does not. I am still the same person, with relaxed hair, natural hair, braided hair, or no hair! Would you prefer the woman with the good personality or the good looking hairstyle?

In this era, where we have accepted low standards of morale, all forms of violence and promiscuity, is what we wear on our head really so important that is is more important than what is inside our heads?

I really think not.
If a person is qualified and meets the specified job requirements, then their hair should not be an issue.

Sometimes we need to stop judging books by their covers.

Bisous!!xoxo

Touchy Topic - Would you Date a Broke Man?

( Touchy Topic was created for my friends/readers to give me topics that I may not have considered talking about, or for them to pose questions to me they would like a response on.

I used this title from the Bajan phrase - "that's a touchy topic" when the subject of discussion is controversial, or it is difficult to choose sides in the matter.)

TOPIC as submitted - Would you date and/or have a relationship with a man who is broke? He is nice and sweet, but has no money.

Now, being "broke" means to have no money. Some people claim to be "broke" when they have no money in their wallets or purses, but they may still have an active credit card, bank card and bank account. For other people being broke is having NO MONEY ANYWHERE, not even a cent collection in a sawed off sprite bottle at home.

Today we are dealing with the latter. 

A man may be "broke" for many reasons. With today's rapidly declining economy, loss of jobs are prevalent and that for many has been unavoidable. A man may also be paying a morgage, or repaying loans and debts which would result in him being broke after his responsibilities are handled. 

On the other hand, the man may be an unambitious, could care less male, who is happy to eat from his mother, and "borrow" money from his friends (and girlfriends) to buy the few things he needs. It is up to a woman to decipher what type of man she is dealing with and if that is the type of man she WANTS to be dealing with. 

If the man is sweet and caring, opens doors, rubs feet and makes tea. Those are qualities lately lacking in many men and qualities a woman will be inclined to fall for. I am an avid believer in PERSONALITY over FINANCES for the fact that money and material things come and go, but the love and strength of a partner will be able to hold you up through the hard times. However, the man may be a parasite playing nice in an attempt to work on your emotional side and get you to finance his needs. 

If the man proves to be genuinely good, a woman must then match her personality to that of the man she is attracted to. If she is a woman who likes lavish things and can easily afford them, she may not mind a man who is experiencing financial difficulty. If she is a woman who likes to buy her man lavish things and spoil him, she also perhaps won't mind if he makes no money or can't/won't get a a job.

"What?! You STILL ain't get no job?"

IF, on the other hand, she is a woman who likes to be spoiled, treated, and bestowed with gifts, then she would not be able to accept a man who is broke. Even if she is momentarily caught up in his charm, her true nature will overcome. If SHE DOES decide to stay with the man, he will need to get some source of income or she will end up becoming resentful toward him. 

Likewise, a woman with kids, bills, rent and other responsibilities that may need a helping hand from time to time, may TRY to love this man for his personality and stick with him, but if she cannot run to him for financial help when she is down, it will cause a rift between them. Chances are she will go running to someone else, who she will feel more gratitude toward.

Personally, I would work with a man who I see is facing difficult times and is broke IF I ALSO SEE that he is genuinely trying to better himself and not just laying at home moping and complaining that he has no luck or the world hates him or that work is only for slaves and slavery is over. 

Who cares if we're broke? We have each
other!"

Chances are, if he is indeed a caring loving man, he will want the best for me (and for himself, because you must first care about yourself before you can care about others) and for our relationship.

Time, conversation, walks on the beach, all those things are sweet, wonderful and important, but don't be fooled people, money is also essential to the equation - not just for my man to give me gifts and take me out to eat (which every woman enjoys once and a while) but for everyday needs (bills) and little luxuries we take for granted (stove, television, washing machine). 

For some women love conquers all. They would give up Gucci and Prada and live on an island wearing a loin cloth around their waist with the man they love. Others will cook, clean and kiss your feet, but you gotta show them the pay check on Friday.

You have to decide what category you fall into - and as Uncle Beres says, "If your heart's not in it. Let it go. Stop wasting time, don't fool yourself, it won't grow."

Bisous!!xoxo

FOOTNOTE!

You can submit your touchy topic to cocoabisou@gmail.com OR

stefiemontez@gmail.com

Those of you who know me personally can also submit to my facebook inbox. 

I may not post on the topic if it is too raunchy as my blog is not listed for "adult content"

Thanks for your submissions!! I will cover a new topic every Wednesday and Thursday!

Pay Attention At Home Too!

I promised myself I was not talking about the elections, but I decided if I am to ever get more readers, I will have to bite the bullet and jump on the bandwagon of trending topics.

 I am happy to see President Obama in office. I was surprised during this election and the last to see how much racism was still prevalent in America, and by extension the world - that people were choosing "sides" based on skin color, rather than actually listening to the plans and policies that the candidates were speaking of and planning to put into place.




I followed the whole shebang (no offence to America or it's electoral process. No lawsuits please, I just like the word shebang) and tried to pay attention and keep up to date with what was happening.
Some Barbadians could care less about American elections and claimed it had nothing to do with them. I prefer to differ. What they don't seem to realize is that bigger countries affairs affect the affairs of smaller countries, like ourselves.

When the prices of oil, gas and food go up in first word countries, the cost of living goes up double in third world countries. When the stock market crashes and collapses in first world countries, the cost of living goes up triple in third world countries.
I don't know the last day the price of anything in Barbados was actually reduced. Each time I buy juice and milk I seem to be shelling out more. I went to the shop with ten dollars and spent thirteen on juice, bread and a chocolate bar.

I saw some election crazy Bajan fanatics, posting on facebook and twitter that they could not sleep until they heard Obama was re-elected. That may be pushing it just a bit for me. I am an Obama fan myself, but I am not breaking up my night rest for him.

I just wish that the die hard Bajan Obama fans would be as enthusiastic about the state of affairs in their own country. Some of them have no clue what our present government is doing. They wave the American flag high for Mr. Obama and can't spell the name of their own Prime Minister.
They share facebook ads about voting and never saw a ballot box on their own sweet little island. And many Barbadians that have migrated to America have never looked back a day in their lives to show an ounce of interest in the affairs of their own mother land.

I am NOT bashing anyone. I was sitting in front of the television cheering, booing and laughing when the debates were on. And yes, I too was doing the fist pump for Mr. O.
But my Barbadian people, let's not forget, you will not pass President O on the street, but you might pass the Hon. Mr. S. It might help you if you knew who he was and how to pronounce his name.

I'm just saying!

Have a beautiful day!
Bisous!!xoxo

Filtering Frustration

I am a person who is easily frustrated. The wiki dictionary defines frustration as a common emotional response to opposition, related to anger and disappointment. It arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will.
I thank God for Wikipedia. But if that definition has you lost, allow me to further break it down - If I am not getting what I believe I should get, or able to achieve what I think I should be achieving, I am ready to throw a tornado type tantrum (and sometimes I might).


The perfect example of frustration based on the definition is a toddler trying to operate a toy and cannot, gets frustrated and throws the toy across the room before breaking into tears (hence the relation to anger and disappointment).

Every one gets frustrated. It it just the level at which the frustration presents itself that may be different as well as the way each individual handles it.
We are taught to suppress and control our emotions to be functional adults in society. Some people have suppressed so much of their emotion they explode one day and have what we call a nervous breakdown.
Sometimes we need to let our emotions out. If you are sad, why can't you cry? If you are angry, why can't you shout? If you are frustrated why can't you do both?

Of course a world of people shouting and crying and throwing mass tantrums would be impossible to survive in. There must still be control to an extent. Even though we may be able to cry and scream at home, we cannot simply wild out and smash all our good furniture and appliances - hence, we must be able to handle our emotions. So how do you handle frustration when it is at the point of overflowing into a rage that makes you want to turn into the Hulk and smash that project, business idea, homework, child, husband, lover, home situation or whatever is frustrating you?

I am not suggesting anyone head  to the rum shop. Though many people seem to seek solace in narcotics of many kinds. Alcohol, weed, cocaine, etc... may all numb the frustration (anger, grief) but we must be wary of the ways by which we control our emotions. The habits we choose can become addictive, then we have solved one problem by creating another.

Try to channel your negative energy into something positive. Try to re-direct your thoughts to something you are good at, something you CAN accomplish successfully. The feeling of achieving something can overwhelm the feelings of frustration. And then of course, we have to find out what is causing that frustration and take steps to deal with it (which is a topic for another blog entirely).


I am not a certified psychiatrist and if I was I would be charging by the hour for this info instead of putting it in a blog. But what I have discovered is that writing something that may help someone helps ME! For all of the ten minutes my hands have swept across this page, I am no longer frustrated about whatever it was that made me start this topic, and I feel good enough to head out and have a productive day.

And I hope all my readers have one too!
Bisous!!xoxo

Black woman - SHUT IT!

Not your legs, your mouth (though the concept of shut your legs may make a good post yet).

I am happy for my black women, my sisters, my comrades in womanhood, who are independent and strong, but I just don't need you to remind me every day.
I intentionally posted this photo on the left and if you are a sucker for correct grammar, punctuation and spelling as I am, you would have already noticed the error. To me it was a representation of the women who are always boasting and bragging how strong and independent they are for two reasons. One - those women have "faults", "flaws" and "imperfections" just like every other human. And two - some of them are just stupid and dumb as hell.

My take on a strong independent woman is this. If you are indeed so strong and brave and smart and all the things that are considered to go along with it, you have no need to constantly broadcast it to the world, for a true characteristic of strength is humility. Bet they didn't teach that in Female Independence 101.

Black women are taking the concept of strength and independence and using it as a battering ram to break down black men and as a cover for their own bitterness and hurt. 
I hear them when I go to work at the salon bragging about how they let men know they don't need their money or time or help or anything, because they are so strong and independent. Honey, please, you would NEVER have to tell a man that you are strong or independent. A man would look at the life you live and be able to draw that conclusion.

Most females that now claim to be strong and independent have become so due to the fact that some man left them in the lurch, heartbroken, maybe with kids, maybe after a messy divorce. It is always these women that go around broadcasting their independence and strength.

If you CHOOSE to be alone, that's fine. If you CHOOSE to focus on a career rather than a relationship, that's fine! And if you choose to be single rather than settle for an unambitious player who is just out to hit it and quit it, I support you one hundred percent and ten and agree you are indeed a strong woman for waiting for someone to treat you right, rather than just settle for trash because you are lonely.
But there is always a thin line that gets crossed when women get on their high horses with this" I don't need a man" chant.

You MAY NOT need a man and that is good for you. I myself have decided to be single for a number of years that would seem preposterous to some women, but I find no need to jump up and down and claim my single-hood as a sign of independence. What happens to most women is they become so indignant in their quest to prove they can do it alone, they end up being blinded to the really good men that come along and would love to have them by their side. They hurt good men because they have been hurt by bad men and the cycle continues.

Why do you have to be single to be strong and independent? You can have a man or husband, but still be a woman of high standing at work and in the community, a woman who makes money and needs not trouble her man for material things, who loves and cares for her kids and makes her man feel like he is worthy of love and affection too. Is that not also strength? To be able to juggle all that and feel at ease with the life you have made for yourself?


My black women, get a grip. Assess and re-assess yourselves. Why do you find it necessary to constantly promote your strength and independence. Could there be some self validation that you are seeking? Are you REALLY as strong and as independent as you claim? Pushing men (or people in general) away does not make you strong. Seeking  affirmation from others about your character does not make you independent.
And if you were truly a strong independent black woman, you would know that.


Think about it - and FIX it!!

Bisous!!xoxo

Sunday's Sermon - FAITH

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" 

That is a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. that helps explain just what faith is. People talk about having faith, but they often cannot put into words just what faith is.

The dictionary defines faith as "complete trust of confidence in someone or something, or a strong belief in God or the doctrines of religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof."

"Faith is the belief in things unseen" another quote I have heard along the way.

 I am not her to tell you what or who to believe in, many of you reading will have different religions and and spiritual beliefs and it matters not to me, I just want you to not give up on whatever situation you might be losing faith in.

If you are worried about a troublesome child, HAVE FAITH that they will return to the guides and principles you set for them. If you are stressed over starting up a business, HAVE FAITH that you can be successful in your endeavor once the pros have outweighed the cons. 

NOTE -  am NOT saying to go in blindly and claim you have faith that you will overcome all obstacles. I believe there is a difference between faith and folly. 

Faith without works in dead - is a verse in the bible and a principle in which I believe. Perhaps you can sit and home watching television and have faith someone will come by and offer you  job or give you some money to pay your bills. Or you can get off the couch and go out and ask a few people with faith (and a CV) that someone will give you a job or the money. Understand the difference? 

The above scenario is really just an extension of faith. As the dictionary explains, faith is not just the belief in things unseen, but the confidence in people, and by extension, yourself. Getting up and making the move to accomplish something that may seem an "impossible" or daunting task, is having faith in YOURSELF and having faith in the people with the ability to help you. Faith that they will help you and faith that you can convince them to.

HAVE FATH today friends, in whatever situation you may be giving up on. Have faith in God, have faith in yourself, have faith in a friend who has promised to come through for you. PLEASE DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED if your situation looks dismal even though you have been having faith. Some things happen in a day, others in a year. the point is to not give up.

I have faith that someone will be encouraged by this post. 

Bisous!xoxo